Pre-Game Tareaux Cards: Predicting LSU vs Iowa State

Mandatory Credit: Kim Klement-USA TODAY Sports
Mandatory Credit: Kim Klement-USA TODAY Sports /

LSU is facing Iowa State in Round One of the Big Dance tomorrow, and I have secured some game predictions for our devoted readers via the ancient art of Tareaux cards.

Now, earlier this week I wrote about three big questions facing LSU basketball as the Tigers prepare to face the Cyclones.

Truth be told, while these seemed like good questions, I wasn’t sure if they were the right questions or how those questions might be answered.

The uncertainty was bugging me, so last night, by the light of that big, pretty full moon we enjoyed, I headed down to the bayou in search of answers.

I traveled by way of a motorcycle down a lonely dirt road. As I rumbled slowly along, washed in the smells of the bayou, I heard the howl of an enormous wolf closeby, and my skin began to crawl.

I picked up the pace, and soon I came to an old-fashioned travel wagon drawn by two servile alligators.

The gators were tied to a hitching post for the night. A dim light glowed through the lone window at the front of the wagon.

I went around to the side of the wagon where two wooden steps led to a wide door. On the door was a sign: Madame Tigress, Tareaux Reader & Fortune Teller. 

This is exactly what I’d hoped to find.

Again, that big wolf howled nearby, and I rapped quickly on the door three times.

I heard the creaking of footsteps inside, and then the door swung open.

Madame Tigress wore a billowing dress of purple and gold. Her big eyes flashed green in the dim light, and she beckoned me inside with a single wave of her hand.

“I know why you have come,” she said. “I was expecting you. Sit. Have some Abita.”

She pointed to a chair at a little round table where a chilly bottle of Abita was waiting for me.

I sat down and cracked open the Abita. Madame Tigress sat in the chair across from me and began to shuffle a fat deck of oversized cards.

“Thank ya for the beer, Madame Tigress,” I said, “but if it’s all the same, I’m not much in the mood for card games tonight.”

She flashed a toothy smile at me as the flicker of the oil lamp kindled in her green eyes.

“These cards are no game, dear man,” she told me.

“These are Tareaux cards, the ancient scryers of LSU’s fortunes. They will give the answers you seek.”

I nodded. “I should have known, Madame Tigress,” I said.

Madame Tigress frowned and shook her head. “I read your article,” she said, “and I fear you are overestimating both defenses; it’s not December anymore, you know.”

“That’s fair,” I said. “Both defenses haven’t been the same lately.”

“Indeed, they have not,” Madame Tigress answered. “But still, your questions may well determine the winner.”

She finished shuffling the cards and asked me to cut the deck.

“Let’s see how the Tareaux answers your questions,” she said as she dealt three cards.

How will the team respond to the loss of Will Wade?

“The first card answers your first question for LSU basketball,” Madame Tigress said as she flipped it over.

“The Five of Abitas,” she said, announcing the card.

“This symbolizes disillusionment and negative feelings following the loss of someone or something, and the need for new plans.”

I shook my head. “That doesn’t sound good,” I said.

“It is to be expected,” Madame Tigress said, “but it does not mean all is lost.”

Can Tari Eason take a step forward for LSU?

“Now, the second card for your second question for LSU basketball,” Madame Tigress said as she flipped the card.

“The Ten of Trophies,” she announced. “This represents a solid foundation of long and hard work paying off in a big way.”

I smiled. “I love the sound of that,” I said.

“Yes,” Madame Tigress agreed. “It looks as though Eason is going to light it up.”

Which team plays better defense?

“The Two of Teeth answers your third question for LSU basketball,” Madame Tigress said as she flipped the third card.

“This indicates a stalemate, the meeting of seemingly equal forces.”

I frowned. “So you’re telling me that neither defense will outshine the other.”

“No, that is what the cards are telling you,” Madame Tigress corrected.

Again, the wolf howled. This time it sounded as if it might be right outside Madame Tigress’ front door.

“You must go,” Madame Tigress said. “The full moon draws many fierce creatures to the bayou.”

“But I can’t go,” I protested. “I need to know who’s going to win the game Friday, LSU or Iowa State.”

Madame Tigress smiled. “I like a man with courage,” she said. “I suppose there is time for one more card.”

Who wins, LSU or Iowa State?

Madame Tigress pulled a fourth card from the deck and flipped it over.

“The Eight of Claws,” she announced.

“Yes,” I said, “but what does it mean?”

“The Eight of Claws is an excellent card,” she said. “It means rapid movement forward and powerful energy to move past the recent troubles.”

“That sounds like a Dubya to me,” I said.

“Indeed,” Madame Tigress said. “It looks as if the cards believe LSU will win.”

Madame Tigress drummed her fingers on the table. “Now, quickly, you must fly away from here, and if you meet a wolf on the road, do not slow down.”

I bolted out the door, got on my bike, and roared away into the night.

Cool bayou air whipped past me as I rode towards the ripened moon. Then, on the road ahead, a dark shadow rose before me.

I gunned the throttle and flew past the beast.

As I passed it, I saw that it was not a wolf, but a giant Badger with a big white “W” on its chest.

It leered at me as flew past, and I got a strange feeling that I might be seeing that same badger again soon if all goes well for LSU basketball.